12:00 p.m.: WELCOME LUNCH with Michelle Obama (Arugula, Alfalfa Sprout & Guilt Salad). Castro Cafeteria.
12:30 p.m.: Workout Session — hosted by Michelle Obama. The People’s Gymnasium.
4:00 p.m.: Opening Flag Burning Ceremony – led by William Ayers (sponsored by CNN). Che Guevera Ballroom.
4:05 p.m.: Singing of “God Damn America” — led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright. By satellite from Trinity United Church of Christ.
4:10 p.m.: Pledge of Allegiance to Obama. Open to the public.
4:15 p.m.: Ceremonial “I hate America,” led by Michelle Obama. Open to the public.
4:30 p.m.: Tips on “How to Keep Your Man Trustworthy & True to You While You Travel the World” – Hillary Clinton. Hammer & Sickle Hall.
4:45 p.m.: Panel Discussion — “How to Have a Successful Career Without Having a Job” — Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson. Newton-Seale Conference Room (colored only).
5:00 p.m.: Speech — “How I created Global Warming & the Internet” — Former Vice President Al Gore. Lenin/Stalin Ballroom.
5:30 p.m.: Seminar — “Family Values & You” – Eliot Spitzer. Open to the public.
5:32 p.m.: Video – A Tribute to All 57 States – Presented by Rep. Hank Johnson, author of “Guam: The Coming Capsize”. Unicorn Library.
5:45 p.m.: Instruction – ”How to Avoid Answering Pesky Questions Relating to Policies, Both Foreign and Domestic” – Jay Carney. Union Hall.
6:00 p.m.: Keynote Speech by Sen. Harry Reid — Topic: An expression of the Democrats’ appreciation of the Occupy Wall Street movement and of George Soros for sparing no expense in helping to unify the country, improving employment, and boosting the economy. Nazi Auditorium.
9:00 p.m.: Panel Discussion — ”Straight Down the Memory Hole: How to Buy Your Own National Propaganda Team and Apply the Lessons of George Orwell to Your Political Objectives” with Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, and George Stephanopholous. Ministry of Love.
9:15 p.m.: Movie Premiere — “Caged By a Tyrant: A Documentary About Brave Freedom Fighters Wrongly Incarcerated at GITMO,” presented by director Michael Moore. Goebbels Theatre.
9:45 p.m.: Symposium – ”If I Had A Son: Communicating Your Intent Without Drawing Attention to a Specific Agenda”– Chuck Schumer. Tax & Chains Meeting Room
10:00 p.m.: Speech — “Bitter Gun Owners, Bible Readers & Racial Cowards.” — Attorney General Eric Holder. Castro Cafeteria.
10:30 p.m.: Ceremonial Waving of White Flag for IRAQ & Afghanistan – GreenPeace. Open to the public.
11:00 p.m.: Demonstration and How-To Clinic – ”Shooting for Distance and Accuracy in Pakistan: An Exhibition in Nighttime Desert Marksmanship” – presented by President Barack Obama, Commander-in-Chief and expert nighttime desert marksman. Via satellite from Mosque Construction Site at Ground Zero.
11:15 p.m.: Rally – Free Gov. Blagojevich Rally. Outside in the Main Quad; open to the public.
11:30 p.m.: Award Presentation — President Barack Obama Accepts Oscar, Tony, & Latin Grammy Awards. Via satellite from Mosque Construction Site at Ground Zero
11:45 p.m.: Public Reading (teleprompter) by Robert Gibbs – “Obama’s Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish.” 1968 Convention Center.
12:00 a.m.: Formal Presentation of all of Barack Obama’s Sealed Files — supervised by the Communist Central Committee, The Weather Underground, The New Black Panthers, & ACORN
12:04 a.m.: 21-Puff Salute — presented by Choom Gang Alumni
12:05 a.m.: Official Nomination of Barack Obama — presented by Bill Maher
12:06 a.m.: Obama Accepts Nomination as Lord and Savior
12:10 a.m.: Performance — Celestial Choirs Sing
3:00 a.m.: Speech — “I’m Veep? That’s a Big Fucking Deal” — Vice President Joe Biden. Chuck E. Cheese, Reston, VA
■“Great Vacations I’ve Taken on the Taxpayer’s Dime” — A Retrospective from First Lady Michelle Obama
■Prairie Fire: The Politics of Revolutionary Anti-Imperialism – A Manifesto, The Weather Underground
■Rules for Radicals – by Saul Alinsky
■“Bias in Media: How We Can Make it Work for You” – articles by CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, the Washington Post and the New York Times
■“Personal Finance: A Guide” — Rep. Charlie Rangel
■“The Obama Energy Plan: You Too Can Get Rich with Green Investment Bankruptcies” — by Energy Secretary Steven Chu and President Barack Obama
■“Controlling the Thrills in Your Leg” – MSNBC’s Chris Matthews
■“Cleaning Troublesome Spots in Your Soiled Linens: A Practical How-To” – by Monica Lewinsky
■“Diversionary Tactics: How to Manufacture Socially-Charged and Divisive Issues to Deflect Attention Garnered as a Result of Your Own Blatant Hypocrisy” – by Nancy Pelosi
■“Healthcare, the IRS, Third-Party Contracts, and You: A Conversation on the Individual Mandate as a Tax. I Mean Penalty. Wait, yes, Tax. No, Tax Penalty. Oh, it Works as a Tax? Okay, Tax. (But it’s Not Really a Tax).” — By Donald Verrilli, co-written by Justice John Roberts
■ “Mining Your DNA for Real Nuggets” – by Elizabeth Warren
■“Chasing Storks: Championing the Homosexual Family Unit While Pushing Cost-Saving Population Control Measures Under the Guise of ‘Women’s Rights’” – by HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius
■“Digging Moats, Training Alligators, and Looking the Other Way” — by DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano, author of Discerning the Enemy Within
■”Twitters, Tiger Suits, & Tickle Fights: How to Reach Your Inner Pervert in a Surveillance Society” — by Anthony Weiner, David Wu, and Eric Massa
■“Communicating Simple Ideas in 2,500 pages or More” – by The Apollo Project
■“Preventing Full-Body Scanners from Showing Who You Really Are” – by DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano
NOTES FOR CONVENTION ATTENDEES:
■Illegal, drug-dealing Mexican attendees are welcome to ATF gift bags, available at the South Entrance to the ballroom.
■FDA and ObamaCare offices will be relocated to Monsanto headquarters
■Agenda available in Spanish by going to iwantcitizenshipwithoutthepaperwork.dnc.gov
■Mandatory car service accommodations will be provided to all party goers by Chappaquiddick Limousine Company in conjunction with the release of the special edition 45th Anniversary 1967 vintage model replica Oldsmobile Delmont. This Limousine comes fully-equipped with factory-mandated anti-sink flotation tires with hovercraft capabilities. The Breathalyzer car starter was removed for authenticity. The vehicle will be immediately retired following the ceremony and used exclusively to transport illegal aliens back and forth from Cuba to Miami. A moment of silence will be observed for the late senator, but not victim MJK.
■ Nobel Peace Prize will arrive via magic carpet parade, led by honorary grand marshalls Paul Bunyan and the Loch Ness Monster. Presented by the Tooth Fairy.
Note: Some of this material has been thought up by editors Jeff Schreiber, John Feeny, and a twistedly patriotic bunch of John Feeny’s Facebook friends. Other portions of the material, specifically the base material within the Agenda itself, has been circulating the Web but nonetheless had some personal touches added by those of us at America’s Right — so we really cannot take full credit. No, we did not build this.